Bitter Sweet

When it comes to endings, to saying good bye, it’s so cliche but the term bitter sweet does seem appropriate. Today was some how my last day of classes. My younger students showered me with gifts and kisses and I practically had to peal myself away, while the older ones (something strange happens between the ages of 12-14) hardly seemed to acknowledge I was leaving. The bitter is that I felt I spent more time disciplining students than actually teaching them. Bitter because I don’t think I did a very good job, although I’ve realized that there are a lot of factors that contributed to this that were out of my control. Bitter because after seven months, I feel my students still have no idea who I am. It was sweet though that they honestly seemed sad to see me go. Somewhere amidst my stern reprimands and botched activities, they hopefully saw my intent; although I also recognize that by dedicating themselves to celebrating my departure, they were getting out of working. The excitement of future plans is also sweet. If anything, this year has helped to focus my perspective and goals.

Very few, lucky people are born knowing what they want to do. Most figure it out along the way though. But how does one go about making such a dedicated decision? How does one come to be a teacher, a nurse, a computer programmer? Perhaps it was a class I’d neglected to take in college, but I feel like I've been wandering through the fog for years now only to stumble upon a clue now and again. In Spanish the question, “What do you do for a living?” is “To what do you dedicate yourself?” and I find that this more accurately reflects today's society that I find myself participating in. I didn't declare my Spanish major until I had completed it. I've never been one to do things the easy way, as Sandra would say, “you're just doing it the 'cowboy' way”. Being here has made me reevaluate my goals. I went into teaching because it was a logical step. I wanted something to accompany my Spanish major that would allow me to travel.

I remember Roberta from the writing center saying that it was important to tell writers what parts of their papers were good, not only to boost their confidence, but so that they would know what to keep and build off of. Recently, in the midst of my existential crisis, my friend Emily gave me some great advice, she said, “Just go with your gut. Often we try to talk ourselves in or out of things and forget to listen to our intuition.” I began to think about this and I realized that I often make decisions this way, but for some reason or another, I'd gotten out of touch with my gut. I came here with the objective of improving my Spanish and I knew that that would take more than 8 months, so I was prepared to stay a minimum of 2 years. I was so intent on that goal that I started to get tunnel vision. I didn't ask myself, “Why is this so important to me?” It was just something I had to do. I was comparing my abilities to what I thought they should be in relation to everyone else, always a dangerous path. I lost touch with what I enjoyed about language learning. It just became this beast I had to conquer and the more I fought it the more I resisted. I became miserable. The prospect of staying another year utterly depressed me. The more I investigated my employment options, the more trapped I felt. I would be confined to teaching children, working illegally and even if I landed a decent job I enjoyed, I'd probably get paid very little. Basically, the only reason I'd be staying would be to improve my Spanish and that had been my goal for so long that I couldn't see any other possibilities.

So I decided to follow Emily’s advice and change the way I thought about choosing a career path. I thought about not choosing a profession, not choosing a career but just looking at my natural abilities and finding something that is compatible with them. Once I made that shift, where there had been few possibilities, suddenly things started sprouting up. I realized I really don’t enjoy teaching children; excellent, so I’ve found I can cross that one off the list. I began to think of the things I'm naturally good at and what I enjoy. When I look at the assortment of jobs I’ve had over the years, I am able to recognized a pattern of the things I like and do well. Among my varied resume my favorite jobs have been working at the writing center and teaching adult ESL. I am an extreme global thinker, meaning my mind needs the big picture in order to understand the pieces (perhaps that explains why I was terrible at math. I’m convinced that if they’d taught math theory sophomore year instead of geometry I would have had a much more successful math experience). Anyways, I get really excited when I can connect theory to practice and then turn around and communicate that. I like working with people and I think I’m good at it because I can see the bigger pictures but also have empathy for the individuals point of view, something which is not easy to do. And the communication that happens to connect the two is what I find fascinating. That’s why I loved working at the writing center because it is so idea based, and for me the most exciting part of teaching is planning a lesson based on theory and then executing. Of course language fits into that idea well because apart from communicating, it’s dealing with patterns that fit together to create something intangible yet vital.

Well, it’s all very exciting for me to realize after 25 years how my own mind works and what I’m good at, but how does that translate to a career? Perhaps it is being in a classroom but I really got the yearning to go back to school. Excellent, so now I know that I want to go back to school, I’m looking for something that involves global thinking, proactive communication, languages, and lets not forget creativity. After spending time in a warm climate I realized that my ancestors must have been from the Sahara. I do love the heat, but I also found that, perhaps, small town living isn’t for me. And then I remembered, what about that international grad school in Monterey California that I’d considered? When I’d looked into it a year ago I thought I was interested in getting a masters in international education or ESL; however, there was another school in Vermont that was more specialized in that field so I forgot about CA. But once I shifted my sights off teaching, I discovered that Monterey actually has more things I’m interested in, and it’s in a better location. It offers four distinct programs: interpretation\translation, international policy, international education and ESL, and international business.

Language majors have pretty much two main paths to choose from, teaching and business. I went into teaching because of my prejudices towards math and the cooperate, “Donald Trump” attitude towards business. Teaching has been excellent and I’ve gained a number of skills, but I’m ready for a new challenge and Monterey’s responsible, conscientious approach to international business may be just the match for my skills (ok I’m starting to sound like I’m writing my application essay). Having made that decision, I am able to breath a huge sigh of relief. Of course by the time I had figured all this out I had missed the application dead line, but this gives me plenty of time to work out the details. Unfortunately, the school is extremely expensive and I’m extremely poor so I’ve decided to move to CA for the coming year so that I am eligible for additional scholarships. Sweet! I won’t be stuck working illegally for chicken scratch in Spain! I feel like an archaeologist, but instead of uncovering clues to the past, I’ve made a major discovery in terms of my future.

Now all I’ve got to do is focus on relaxing and being on vacation. My parents are coming in a few days and I’m really excited to share my life here with them. Dad and I are going to road trip to Portugal! On the 20th of June we’re heading to Germany to visit family friends and then I’ll spend 6 weeks working on learning French! So in the end, I think this transition is more sweet than bitter and I find myself coming full circle seeing as how, once again, I’ve got to sell my car! Gabriel García Márquez would have something to say about that...